Such a strange week.
Flew to Twin Falls to witness a friend’s graduation, then spent the weekend with her before joining AJ in San Francisco with other friends. I was away from my house for a week straight. Didn’t deal with it as well as I’d ‘ve liked. I’m not the resiliant young optimist that I used to be; having to meet new people and cater my behavior to suit others is actually taxing, these days. For years I’ve been blaming AJ for a slow conversion to introversion on my part. I think I’m figuring out that there was no conversion at all. I’ve always been an introvert. AJ’s just gradually made it feel okay to not have to pretend that I’m not.
While I’m not sorry that I no longer stress myself out over making everyone feel warm and sunny, I can see some of the perils of letting myself retreat too far into this thing. It’s difficult now, moreso than I would’ve thought, to reach out of my shell now when I need to. No, I’m not responsible for the happiness of others. That part is still as true as it ever was. That doesn’t relieve me completely of certain obligations required to retain basic humanity. I do have to care.
AJ and I went to church Saturday night for the first time in a long time. No, I didn’t spontaneously reclaim my faith. I did, however, come to realize that there is merit in “the church” beyond anything spiritual. It’s a group of people striving (for the most part) to be better people. Regardless of the why behind it, I can remember being happier with myself when I had that kind of goal.
I don’t like who I’m turning into. But I’m realizing that I’ve methodically cut myself off from the tools that would help me change myself.
